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Inspired by Anna the babysitter
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12/27/2003 - 4:32 am This is the second part of a love story between Jessie of Once & Again and Rory of Gilmore Girls. The first part is here. Were we not women, I would marry you,We'll see what becomes of this. Someone once told me that love doesn't come through the front door of your heart, but sneaks in through the side door. I can't remember who it was that said it, and I don't think it really made sense to me until now, now that I've realised the side door was open for her. It had started off simple enough. I wanted to meet her after my boyfriend had mentioned that she was an outsider at Stars Hollow High. His simple comment in passing left me thinking if there was much of a difference between her and me. I mean, there was the obvious differences like our hair colour and the fact that we went to different schools, but afterall, she had a book in her hand at the time with a pair of headphones on and this made me feel like we had something in common. Thinking back on it now, it was rather brave of me to sit down at her table in front of her and just look at her until she put down her book and pulled her headphones off. She wasn't too happy that a stranger would invade her personal space, but she calmed down once I introduced myself and said I was no longer a stranger. The whole time I sat there, and it couldn't have been more than 5 minutes, Mum kept shooting me these `what are you doing with that kind of person?' looks while she talked to Luke. It had suddenly annoyed me that they were blatantly discussing her while she was in the room, even though I didn't really have enough experience with her to know if their opinion was justified. First impressions really last with my mother, and Luke has a tendency to dislike any teenager who isn't following the rules. Their situation still hasn't changed and it's as much her fault as it is his. She has loudly demanded a coffee over her ear music every morning since then, and he in turn gives her a lukewarm one (pardon the pun). She pierces him with the worst looks, to his face and behind his back, and they make my stomach turn. I don't understand how her eyes can be so dark and lost when she has a heart of gold. I know there is more to her than what she shows Stars Hollow, but she won't let the people here see it. I've caught glimpses of her softer side since I met her, but the moments are all too short, and she retreats back into the hardcore Goth rock fan that I usually see. I was thinking in bed the other night and I realised that she has the choice to change herself but she doesn't. This frightens me because she's stepped into the darkness and I have no idea whether she will ever step out again. I had a nightmare the next night involving her, and woke up screaming with Mum's arms tightly wrapped around me. I wouldn't let go of her for the rest of the night and she ended up with my fingermarks bruised into her back. She joked about that a few days later, unintentionally of course, while the nightmare replayed in my mind. The really bad things in life tend to stick, and the nightmare was glued to my memory like the flap of a bank envelope. I can never get them suckers open without grabbing something sharp. There was so much blood. I know that it was impossible to have that much of it on our bathroom floor, but it was there and I still see it every time I walk in there to shower. I see her lying there with a smile and a painless expression on her face, humming a Coal Chamber song like it's okay that she's hurting herself. Mum wanted to know what was wrong and what I had dreamt, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her. She knew it was bad, but she didn't guess that it had anything to do with Shorty. I'm kind of glad she let her questions slide that night, and just stayed with me, but a part of me wishes that she hadn't let silence prevail because I know that's why I still freak myself out when Jess heads to that door of the house. It's why I can't let her sit alone in my home or walk to the front door without me escorting her. Earlier this evening the pieces of the puzzle joined together and I finally realised what I was feeling for her. Grandma and Mum were arguing over some trivial behaviour that had it's roots 17 years ago, while I sat back and dazed off down memory lane. Somehow I started trying to pick my good memories from the last year through the more common bad ones, and I discovered most of them involved her. Jess cracking the joke about Luke, Kirk and Bubbles, their imaginary blow up doll; the time the sun radiated her face and blond tresses at the gazebo; the moments she hugged me; and the way she rolled her eyes when I tried to make her laugh. I'd been the happiest and most content when I had been in her presence, and that scared me to death because by the pounding of my heart I knew I loved her more than mere friendship. I loved her too much to want to be just her friend. I knew I wanted her kissing me and holding me like she'd never let go. I wanted to caress her fingertips and hold her hand and play with her hair. I wonder if she even knows what she's feeling. She's oblivious to everything else in her life, and it's almost a certainty that she has no clue about where I'd like our friendship to go. Thinking about it was causing me a migraine so I stopped all my brain activity and concentrated on the argument in front of me. Mum seemed to have the upper hand at the time, before she noticed the ill look on my face and asked if I was okay. Grandma looked at me then, and I suddenly pictured how she would look if she knew I was in love with a girl. I pictured everyone then and their reactions. Mum asked again if I was okay and I, in return, asked if we could go home. We're about ten minutes from Stars Hollow now, and Mum still hasn't asked what's going on. I suppose she thinks the longer she waits, the easier it will be for me to tell her. All this silence is doing though is unnerving me even more and its making me wonder whether Mum has figured out something or not. There's no way she's guessed, I know that deep in my mind. It's a pity the rest of my brain doesn't see it that way. I don't want to be dealing with trying to get my head around the fact that I've fallen for a girl, because there's so much more people that are going to be appalled by this than me. Jess being the main one. Funny isn't it? I love her enough to want to be with her, but I love her more to want to protect her from this blowing up in her face. To think I couldn't even say `I love you' back to Dean a year ago. I care for him and I suppose that's why I'm still with him. I know I care for Jess Mariano in the same way, because I proved it to him and myself when I kissed him at Sookie's wedding. I can accept now that I was fooling myself into thinking that I really did love the two of them, and that's why I was so indecisive about which one of them I wanted to be with. I want to be with the person that I love who doesn't seem to love me back. Maybe I thought I'd be happy with Dean or Jess because I knew they loved me already. Maybe I fell in love with the notion of being loved and craved for, and in turn felt obligated to offer up some kind of affection to it. I know for sure that I'd be happy for the rest of my life if Jess was there walking alongside me. I can picture staying with her forever, whereas I never could see myself living with Dean. He's a great guy and he makes me laugh, but I always assumed I'd move on after college. Move onto better things. Better people. He has first boyfriend material written all over him. I'm surprised that we're still together and that I'm still allowing myself to be stuck here. Maybe that's why I lunged at Mariano when he first arrived. He's anti-hero, doesn't speak and doesn't consider anyone's feelings but his own. Correction, he doesn't care about anyone's feelings but his own and mine. He wanted me to like him, the way that he liked me, and set about charming his way under my skin. It worked. I started caring about him despite everyone's objections, and found myself falling for his mysterious side. Somehow it mattered to me why I was the only person he'd have deep and meaningful's with. He and Dean are polar opposites that despise each other, and I guess I played up to that, which makes me feel like some dirty skank, the kind Mum and I usually joke about in front of the TV. I hate that I've turned into a desperate little girl who has to have everyone's attention, because I know that there is more to me than that. I must've sighed or snorted under my breath, because Mum took a sideways glance at me then, careful not to lose her concentration on the road. I see that she wants the best for me, and she assumes that Dean has a part in that. I think she'd be happy for me to be with anyone who tows the line and looks to have the same steady job for the rest of his life. Happy for me to be with any All-American boy who respects his parents, and does the dishes without having to be asked. Extra points for having a height advantage and liking his possible future mother in law. She has exactly the same disliking for both Jess's in my life, and she has never hidden her distrust from either of them. Mariano played up to it while Jess dismissed it all together. She still thinks she's the innocent party. There's one thing about Jess that I've learnt since coming to know her and that is she thinks the world has wronged her in some huge catastrophic way. She doesn't understand that she's had a part to play in why Luke hates serving her, why Mum keeps an eye on her at all times and why the whole town talks about her behind her back. That's not to say she's superficial or naive, she just doesn't understand that her behaviour influences everyone else's. I think it's a part of her that I'm beginning to accept more and more each time I'm around her, because I see it as a clear difference between the two of us. I care too much about how people see Rory Gilmore, and I think that's a result of living in such a tight knit town where everybody knows your business. I know it's a mixture of our similarities and our differences that have drawn us together. I haven't known anyone in my entire life that could eat peanut butter and jelly on pancakes like me, or who could quote Eddie Vedder and TS Elliot in the same paragraph. I got to know her rough side first, the side that was skipping school and fighting with her Mum. Then I got to see the quieter side of her, the part of her that not many people know about. She writes poetry and is fascinated by literature, and has refined her skills in debating. She reads the paper every Saturday, and is a big softie when it comes to romantic movies, although she refuses to admit this. Miss Patty, like her usual self, found out a few details from God knows where about Jess and her family and informed the whole town of them all before the hour was up. Her parents had split a few years ago, and her dad had remarried and moved to Australia. There were other minor details like this, but the one thing that Miss Patty had discovered that intrigued me was Jess used to sing. She was shy about it, but would do it on a regular basis back home in Winnetka, and this unnerved me because I have never heard her sing. Miss Patty has always believed that singing in front of people is a sign of happiness, no matter how they sounded, and this kept me awake that whole night, trying to think why Jess wasn't happy. I knew that she wasn't having the best of times here, but I had assumed it was mostly her attitude that was her problem. I hadn't thought it was deeper than that, and it worried me that I really didn't know her the way I thought I did. She's a huge bunch of confusion. The next night she was over my house and reading to me with the calmest of looks on her face, again challenging my thinking about where exactly her mind was. "Rory?" Mum says my name in a tone that suggests she's sick of the silence and just wants to talk. No overriding need to know what was going on inside my head or who keeps flying into it. "Mmm?" "How's Lane doing with the dyed black hair�Mrs Kim hasn't discovered it yet?" Normal conversation�something I can be a part of. "No�which Lane's pretty weirded out by. She was sure Mrs Kim was going to take one look at her and know straight away." I hate that word. "That woman has an uncanny way of scaring the life out of children and grown men." "And grown women." I quipped, and Mum smiled in memory. "So, what was up at dinner tonight?" Being in love with someone is hard enough. Breaching the subject with your parents is like watching Glitter. Mum at first didn't understand what I felt for Dean when I started at Chilton and she still didn't see my quiet attraction to Jess. At least Mum knew how she saw them, while her moron of a daughter mistook attention for love. Mum 1; Rory 0. Maybe I think she'll refuse to believe I could really be in love after somewhat destroying a `perfectly fine' relationship with the sweetest guy on the planet. If I could have my emotional blinkers on in this coupling, then I'm bound to have them on forever. "Rory?" Mum says my name again, and I shift quickly in my seat. "Mmm?" "I'm still waiting for an answer." "Nothing really in particular." I lie through my teeth, unable to restrain myself from pulling at the belt across my stomach. I hear Mum sigh under her breath, and I look angrily toward her, knowing she knows I fidget when I'm lying. "It's my problem Mum, so don't go all Dr Phil on me�I don't need your disapproval along for the ride." "For your information, I'd rather play Oprah, cause she lets her audience speak�what do I have to disapprove of anyway?" "Mum�" "What's Jess done?" she said sharply, catching me off guard. Had she figured it out? I'd just realised my feelings for Jess, so surely she wouldn't have worked it out before me. "You know?" I asked quietly, my mind caught between relaxing and tensing up in fear. "Of course I know�I see it in the way you look at him." I breathed out in a way that sounded to me as if I was in relief, but Mum took it as a sign that she had hit the right nail on the head and I caught her frowning to herself. "Mum�" I stalled, wondering if I should even bother trying to tell her she had the wrong person. Maybe it would be easier pretending it was this way. "I knew this was going to happen�it was so obvious that he was after you, but I thought maybe if you didn't realise it, he had no chance�" "Mum, it's�" "What do you see in him? I mean, I know what you see in him, the mysteriousness, the `me against the rest of the world' mentality�but he's not Dean." "You're right�Jess isn't Dean." She wasn't him at all. "You have the perfect boyfriend who would do anything for you, who would even watch Hanging with Mr Cooper with you�" "Mum, are you gonna let me in with an explanation?" "What? No, because it's obvious you don't really have one anyway." "I knew you'd be like this." I said angrily, knowing that her reaction to Jess Sammler would be a carbon copy of this moment. "Do you love Dean at all?" "Huh?" "You wouldn't have fallen for Jess if you did�I didn't raise you to be so careless about people's feelings Rory." She didn't raise me to be attracted to girls either, but I guess you don't always get what you want for your kids. "Rory...you need to figure out who you want to be with and chose them�and I can't do it for you. I'll stick by whatever decision you make, whether it's Dean or Jess, but you need to make a choice and be sure about that choice, otherwise this is going to get worse and you might not have anyone left to love by the end of it." "I know who I want." "Then choose them honey." "It's not right." "Honestly Rory�if it's Jess, then I'll deal with it�very slowly and with a lot of worry, but I'll eventually get there." I considered Mum's words quietly, and looked out the window to see we were driving past Lukes. I suddenly remembered when it was that I had begun to see past Jess's exterior into her heart and I smiled sadly at the thought. I hoped that there was going to be a time when I was that honest with her like she had been with me, but I knew it wasn't going to happen unless I trusted what I felt for her completely. "Rory?" Mum whispered, and I slowly glanced her way. "Yeah?" "I want you to tell me if anything is ever wrong�as your best friend and your mother. It's not good to let things build up like they have been�ok?" "Okay�can I ask you something?" "Sure�what is it?" "Do you think that real love sneaks into your heart, like through the side door?" "That's an interesting analogy." `It's not mine�although it seems like it fits right into my life." "It does sound like it belongs to you." "So you think it's true?" I asked, catching sight of the darkened figure on our porch steps as Mum drove into the driveway. We both knew who it was before the jeeps headlights had even reached them. "Yeah�I think it is. Speaking of confusing�" That's when I remembered who said it. My personal thoughts: I'm not sure how long it will take to write the last of this trilogy, and I use that word very, very loosely�anyways, let us know your thoughts and feelings. [email protected] |
The New House (Crystals Place)
Me - (Back Bedroom) - Blonde hair. Brown eyes. 5' 7" 32B - 23 - 34. Closet lesbian. Crude but sweet. Crystal - (Master Bedroom) - Curly black hair. Brown eyes. Tall. Big boobies. Wide curvy hips. Bisexual. She owns the place. Sherry - (Front Bedroom) - Short blonde hair. Blue eyes. Short. Pert boobies. Bubble butt. Very cute. Very playful. Bisexual. Bridget - (Side Bedroom) - Short brown hair. Brown eyes. Short. Big boobies. Trim curvy hips. Mischievious. Bisexual. Kaitlyn - (The Loft) - Long curly blonde hair. Green eyes. Tight athletic body. Pert boobies. Slim hips. Bisexual. Very uninhibited. The Old House (Eunices Place) Me - (Attic room) Heather - (Downstairs den) - Blond hair. Blue eyes. Same height. Champagne flute titties. Wide curvy hips. Definitely straight. Lexis - (Upstairs Rm 1) - Black hair. Blue eyes. Tall and thin. Pert boobies. Closet lesbian. She and Jenna are together. Jenna - (Upstairs Rm 2) - Looks like Fiona Apple. Brown hair. Brown eyes. Pert boobies. Trim curvy hips. Closet lesbian. She and Lexis are together. Lena - (Upstairs Rm 3) - Short curly black hair. Brown eyes. Short supple body. Loud. Funny. Flirt. Definitely bisexual. Past Conquests Kaya - Beautiful. Fun. Sexy. Catherine Bell with smaller pert boobs and slimmer hips. Renee - First girlfriend. I was young. I thought she loved me. She didnt. She only wanted sex. Mandy - Revenge sex. She had an ass fetish. She loved my ass. Lisa - Beautiful redhead. Really hot sex. But I was under age. So she broke up with me. Martina - Mostly sex. She wanted Candace. Candace - Manipulative bitch. But good sex. Peripherals The Girl - A friend. A fellow student. Beautiful. But unattainable. Christina (Perfect Girl) - Beautiful face. Perfect body. Compassionate soul. My best friend. Hanna and Lizzy - aka the girls. My beautiful younger sisters. I love them to pieces. |